Boundaries
Definition: Boundaries are expectations and needs that help you feel safe and comfortable in your relationships.*
Boundaries are one of the most common topics I discuss in sessions. Often, people have heard the term but don’t really understand what it means or what they look like. Typically, people are unaware that they have poor boundaries, they simply know that they aren’t happy with their relationships. Here are some signs that you might need to improve your boundaries:
-You feel resentful towards others -You avoid difficult conversations -You feel overwhelmed or burnt out in your relationships
-You feel as though you have no time for yourself -You always say ‘yes’ to others and believe you can’t say ‘no’
The reason why you are feeling any of the above, is because not having boundaries allows people to treat you however they want. You can imagine this as an open field, with people wandering around, doing whatever they please. Once someone realizes that they don’t have boundaries, the tendency can be to put up lots of barriers to keep people out; but this isn’t a good option either because you’re simply isolating yourself. You can imagine a medieval castle with a moat, high walls, guards on lookout ensuring that no one will get in. Healthy boundaries, however, are like doors because they show people where and how to enter your space. In this metaphor, you would feel comfortable asking someone who is trying to enter your house through a window to please use the door instead, right? So why do boundaries seem so hard in real life?
Common reasons to not set boundaries:
“People won’t like me (or be mad) if I set a boundary”
Setting a boundary makes me “mean”
“I’ll feel guilty”
We aren’t aware that boundaries need to be set
Fear of upsetting someone, possibly losing a relationship, not knowing how to manage our own feelings of guilt are common reasons why people avoid setting boundaries. We learn what is expected in relationships through watching others and growing up in our families, so we often don’t realize that we can ask for something different. Now, for some validation- going against expectations can be very intimidating and I understand why people are hesitant to set boundaries- I’ve been there myself. BUT, there are also some really great reasons to utilize boundaries in our relationships.
Benefits of setting boundaries:
Enhances relationships by communicating your needs to others
Promotes self-care and reduces codependent or enabling behaviors
Defines roles in relationships
Creates healthy relationships
As I explain to my clients, there are two types of boundaries…
External boundaries- these are boundaries that you express to others and request that they respect them. If not respected, there are actions that you will take to reinforce the boundary.
Examples:
Please do not scream at me; if you do, I will leave the conversation.
I am not comfortable talking about that topic, please don’t ask me about it.
If you are going to be late, I would like you to text me and let me know.
Internal boundaries- these are boundaries that you agree to with yourself and don’t involve any one else’s participation.
Examples:
I will not answer phone calls at a time when it’s inconvenient for me.
I will not invite people who make me feel uncomfortable into my home.
I will limit conversations to (amount of time) to reduce likelihood of arguments/escalation.
For reasons listed above, it can be easier to begin setting internal boundaries since they don’t require informing anyone else of the change you’re making. I also recommend beginning to set external boundaries with people in your life with whom you feel most comfortable or safe doing so, to practice developing this skill before applying it to the more difficult relationships in your life. Other factors to keep in mind include consistency (you may need to be a broken record and reinforce your boundary many times before people start to understand that you are serious) and self compassion (give yourself credit for trying to set boundaries, even if it doesn’t turn out the way you hoped). Boundaries are a struggle for most people, so find grace and patience for yourself while developing this skill.
*The definition of boundaries in this post was taken from the book “Set Boundaries, Find Peace” by Nedra Glover Tawwab, which I highly recommend if you’re interested in learning more about the topic.